She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
