The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
