so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
