when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
