I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the condom got lost in my hair
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
