What did we do last night that was yellow?
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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