What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
