Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
