i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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