I hate your face
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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