you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
