im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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