Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
