I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
