about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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