how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
