Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize