Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
