Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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