Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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