a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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