My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
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hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
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Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I can't trust your balls anymore.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
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