ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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