Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
