So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
That was before I lit my hair on fire
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
