Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
