chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
