NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How does one acquire holy water?
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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