Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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