I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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