3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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