you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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