I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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