Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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