dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
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I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
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6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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