No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
