mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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