party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
