My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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