Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
