I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
