To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
