Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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