I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
