before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
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It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You ruined the universe
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