me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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