Hey man sorry I got all grabby
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
