I need to stop coming to work sober
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
