omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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