I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
