...so i touched it.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
