toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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