my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
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Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
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Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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