Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
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