My Higher Power is John Stamos
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
