just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just invented taco cereal.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
