i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
