I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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