I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
