i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
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Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
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Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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