So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
