pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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